Sitting here thinking about a title for this new blog, I'm getting nowhere. I have a lot going on lately and it's just an empty mess of my rollercoastered life.
I was seeing this guy that I truly started falling for. Stayed at his house every night talked about every thing, I finally let someone into my life after my past and he understood me or seemed to at least pretend to understand me. At first when we met it was just sex I'd have to admit that but we talked a lot and I started getting those lustful feelings for him. He was amazing and made me smile like crazy the most amazing feeling in the world he gave me. I was even willing to give up drinking for him and did until he broke it off.
I remember one distinct morning I stayed at his house and it reminded me of my own "Notebook". I woke up to an empty bed but a text message that read "Good morning :) i hope you slept well! I didnt want to wake you cuz you were sleeping like a rock:)i went to the gym and to take jasper for a walk... there is coffee on for you. feel free to hang out or pursue your day off... i will text ya when i get outta the gym ;)" and so many of these amazing texts and just the most simple things can make someone so happy.He always told me how much he missed me, liked me, happy I was in his life, etc.. then one day he said he only cared about me when he wanted to get some. To have something so wonderful come crashing down because all he ever wanted to do was argue over stupid stuff but I was willing to deal with it because he made me happy!Although the last time I talked to him he honestly hurt me I will miss him and what we had.
I've also had other things like car problems money dropping like crazy into my car and it doesn't stop. Over $1000 so far put into it still have about another $1000 more or so.
Then my half brother I never met before found me on facebook and we started talking and my grandpa on that side of the family died so now I have to also find time off work this summer to go to Nevada to finally meet them all excluding my sperm donor. I at that point started looking for my other family on facebook through the guy that raised me. I found my cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. I emailed my cousin asking if she remembered me I got a response back saying she wanted nothing to do with me because her uncle didn't deserve what I had did to him.
I don't remember doing anything to him, but distinctivly remember get the piss kicked out of me growing up and I also remember the day I found out he wasn't my blood dad. But there is one day that I'll never forget, it was Fathers Day 6 years ago and it was his weekend to have us kids I believe I was either 14 yrs old at the time. I had called my step dad who is and was at the time married to my mom while I was at my "dads" house wishing him Happy Fathers Day, to me that is no big deal it's like wishing my grandpa a HFD! Well my "dad" got mad at me and he told me to get out and never come back. He never really wanted to see my brother and I ever since he had a girl friend anyway so we had lost him before hand. I had tried being in his life afterwards but he wouldn't let me or my brother and he was invited to all events up until our graduations and my adoption and had no response from him. He had shown in his actions he didn't care at all we didn't even get a phone call for congrats on getting a diploma!
Back to my drinking. Everyday wouldn't be an accomplishment without it. So I am going to tie up these loose ends because I seem to hurt everyone I have ever touched.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
A TRIP TO THE BEGINNING
Today I'm feeling pretty content with my emotional rollercoaster and decided I wanted to let the beginning out so it'll be a bit of a background of how it all started to build me up to where I am today. I think this should be good to look back at instead of a conjumbled mess in my head.
As I sit here drinking my cup of coffee and listening to some jazzy music, I think of how I became who I am today and then I remember the little things that made me smile. Although my mom told me I was born in Sioux Falls, my childhood remains in good ole' Iowa! A few different areas that my mind can remember like Ashton, IA. Ha I got to laugh! I was really young and yet a lot of people say you don't remember so far back in life but I like to think that isn't true because there are things that I remember without being told the story which I can only verify so much with my mom because she wasn't around so much. She was always working to put a roof over our heads and food on the table and Chris was my 'dad' at the time and he didn't care let alone he's no longer around.
I remember a few things though like when my older brother and I would go to the park there and in the middle of winter we'd be the idiots and stick our tongues to the pole on the play ground. It was like we took turns doing it even thought we both knew the result and that one of us would end up running home to get that cup of warm water. HA-HA!
How about that time I got chicken pox! The house that we lived in didn't have a bath tub, just a shower, so I remember my mom bathing me in the kitchen sink. Those are awful by the way! All itchy all the time! My mom would put that pink ointment all over me and I wasn't to fond of it all but it was good and eventually healed.
One winter in Ashton the power went out pretty much throughout the town. Remember this town isn't very big, just a quick guess it's maybe 1000 people if I'm a lucky guesser but most likely less. It got so cold this winter night that we had to go to a shelter. We had fish tanks at our house I remember saying that our fish will freeze. Turns out that they did. I believe this same night someone left a window open upstairs(why it was open I have no idea) but when we came home we had snow everywhere. Ha. Wasn't me :) The cold was ok to me because Chris at this point did take my brother and I ice fishing which was the only time I have went in my life time so far. I'd like to go again but just haven't. Although I'm now kind of a pansy when it comes to this cold weather!
Then comes Allendwarf, IA a small town about 5 miles from Sibley, IA. Allendwarf is appx 40 people if not a lot less by now! We lived there because Chris' dad or my 'grandpa Larry' lived across the road on a pig farm and believe he also owned the house we lived in. There comes a lot of memories with this house too! This is where I learned to ride a bike without training wheels. We lived on a curve on a gravel road if that explains how I learned not to fall! I was such a 'tomboy' and followed whatever my brother did probably what all younger siblings do. I even had my haircut exactly like his, an awesome bowl cut! HA!
I remember we had a lot of cats and I believe two dogs. I don't know exactly why I mentioned that but it seemed to fit with the memories popping up in my head. How about those slip 'n slides! Oh how I miss those! I don't get how people don't use those anymore! I got to say those were one of the most amazingly fun enjoyments of all time when I was a kid! Can't forget playing in the dirt! What is with parents these days that complain when their kids get all dirty because they're outside playing! When I see a kid all dirty all I got to say is 'Kodak moment' because they're having fun! Granite they should be cleaned up later so they look presentable but let them play!
I remember I made my mom mad one day because I decided I needed a haircut while she was gone. HA-HA! Don't leave the scissors out to were I can find them!This is also where my 'grandma Margaret' made me an awesome birthday cake! I wish I could have another one just like it! It was a barbie cake, with a ruffled dress made out of frosting and little edible beads, they were silver like bbs.
A TRIP TO THE BEGINNING TO BE CONTINUED.....
As I sit here drinking my cup of coffee and listening to some jazzy music, I think of how I became who I am today and then I remember the little things that made me smile. Although my mom told me I was born in Sioux Falls, my childhood remains in good ole' Iowa! A few different areas that my mind can remember like Ashton, IA. Ha I got to laugh! I was really young and yet a lot of people say you don't remember so far back in life but I like to think that isn't true because there are things that I remember without being told the story which I can only verify so much with my mom because she wasn't around so much. She was always working to put a roof over our heads and food on the table and Chris was my 'dad' at the time and he didn't care let alone he's no longer around.
I remember a few things though like when my older brother and I would go to the park there and in the middle of winter we'd be the idiots and stick our tongues to the pole on the play ground. It was like we took turns doing it even thought we both knew the result and that one of us would end up running home to get that cup of warm water. HA-HA!
How about that time I got chicken pox! The house that we lived in didn't have a bath tub, just a shower, so I remember my mom bathing me in the kitchen sink. Those are awful by the way! All itchy all the time! My mom would put that pink ointment all over me and I wasn't to fond of it all but it was good and eventually healed.
One winter in Ashton the power went out pretty much throughout the town. Remember this town isn't very big, just a quick guess it's maybe 1000 people if I'm a lucky guesser but most likely less. It got so cold this winter night that we had to go to a shelter. We had fish tanks at our house I remember saying that our fish will freeze. Turns out that they did. I believe this same night someone left a window open upstairs(why it was open I have no idea) but when we came home we had snow everywhere. Ha. Wasn't me :) The cold was ok to me because Chris at this point did take my brother and I ice fishing which was the only time I have went in my life time so far. I'd like to go again but just haven't. Although I'm now kind of a pansy when it comes to this cold weather!
Then comes Allendwarf, IA a small town about 5 miles from Sibley, IA. Allendwarf is appx 40 people if not a lot less by now! We lived there because Chris' dad or my 'grandpa Larry' lived across the road on a pig farm and believe he also owned the house we lived in. There comes a lot of memories with this house too! This is where I learned to ride a bike without training wheels. We lived on a curve on a gravel road if that explains how I learned not to fall! I was such a 'tomboy' and followed whatever my brother did probably what all younger siblings do. I even had my haircut exactly like his, an awesome bowl cut! HA!
I remember we had a lot of cats and I believe two dogs. I don't know exactly why I mentioned that but it seemed to fit with the memories popping up in my head. How about those slip 'n slides! Oh how I miss those! I don't get how people don't use those anymore! I got to say those were one of the most amazingly fun enjoyments of all time when I was a kid! Can't forget playing in the dirt! What is with parents these days that complain when their kids get all dirty because they're outside playing! When I see a kid all dirty all I got to say is 'Kodak moment' because they're having fun! Granite they should be cleaned up later so they look presentable but let them play!
I remember I made my mom mad one day because I decided I needed a haircut while she was gone. HA-HA! Don't leave the scissors out to were I can find them!This is also where my 'grandma Margaret' made me an awesome birthday cake! I wish I could have another one just like it! It was a barbie cake, with a ruffled dress made out of frosting and little edible beads, they were silver like bbs.
A TRIP TO THE BEGINNING TO BE CONTINUED.....
Friday, April 29, 2011
BLAME IT ON THE ALCOHOL
I was day dreaming the other day about how happy I could be if I took a chance even to just fall again back to square one. To think about it kind of scared me because I've always wanted to be happy but feels like I can't I hold too much on my shoulders to look passed it and move forward. I'm actually afraid that if I do this and allow everything to process and fall with the love of him and let alcohol go and get hurt once more that I'll be unsaveable and no one will be able to reach me at the point I'll turn myself into.
I was having a deep convo the other night with my guy and it seemed like everything I did wrong or where I found things was in alcohol. Sleeping around and not really remembering much of anything. Getting up and taking a shot of tequila for breakfast and to go to school get out and go home and start drinking again until I passed out. I started thinking about how I got myself to that point and I realized yes it was my decision yes I let things get to me when I shouldn't have let it get that far. Yet drinking was my getaway and would love to go back to it and started to but I know I can't drink during the day anymore my job is too precious to me and can't ruin that (for now is what my thought process is).
Last summer I sobered up and occupied my time with 80 hour a week work weeks and lots of exercise then the sip of alcohol has me tied around its little finger of where I think 'It's ok its just a casual drink' when it really isn't because I can't just have a drink which is the hardest part when I drink I want more and more and more until I pass out then it goes in this cycle where I need it to the point I crave it like I crave my cigarettes and yet no one sees this. They see a young girl who enjoys to party, but if I had it my way I'd actually have my fridge stocked with alcohol, lock myself in my room and just drink and listen to music.
It irritated me when I went through this before about a year ago that everyone was buying me alcohol and partying with me and had the guts to go to my parents and tell them I had a problem, but yet no one came to me about anything and kept drinking along with me. I confronted a few people and they denied it. I fell into a deep trap of what I got myself into and shouldn't have and I let myself so I'm no longer trapped in this world I created of my own.
I do blame the alcohol for my past actions. Most of the stuff I did was all when I was drinking or was drunk. Things I couldn't think about doing sober.
Today I want to move forward and get passed these cravings I have and live a life with this wonderful guy in my life. As always ACTIONS speak louder then WORDS, but I know I can prove myself to be a better person and be there for him and myself. I didn't realize most of this until I started writing and started talking about it a little bit at a time. I just need to figure out what is in my head compared to my heart and so far my heart is winning to be near him. I haven't felt this for someone since my 'ex finance' and granite this feeling is amazing these fears corrupt me and I'm afraid to tell him how much I care.
I think I'm on the road to my own recovery.
I was having a deep convo the other night with my guy and it seemed like everything I did wrong or where I found things was in alcohol. Sleeping around and not really remembering much of anything. Getting up and taking a shot of tequila for breakfast and to go to school get out and go home and start drinking again until I passed out. I started thinking about how I got myself to that point and I realized yes it was my decision yes I let things get to me when I shouldn't have let it get that far. Yet drinking was my getaway and would love to go back to it and started to but I know I can't drink during the day anymore my job is too precious to me and can't ruin that (for now is what my thought process is).
Last summer I sobered up and occupied my time with 80 hour a week work weeks and lots of exercise then the sip of alcohol has me tied around its little finger of where I think 'It's ok its just a casual drink' when it really isn't because I can't just have a drink which is the hardest part when I drink I want more and more and more until I pass out then it goes in this cycle where I need it to the point I crave it like I crave my cigarettes and yet no one sees this. They see a young girl who enjoys to party, but if I had it my way I'd actually have my fridge stocked with alcohol, lock myself in my room and just drink and listen to music.
It irritated me when I went through this before about a year ago that everyone was buying me alcohol and partying with me and had the guts to go to my parents and tell them I had a problem, but yet no one came to me about anything and kept drinking along with me. I confronted a few people and they denied it. I fell into a deep trap of what I got myself into and shouldn't have and I let myself so I'm no longer trapped in this world I created of my own.
I do blame the alcohol for my past actions. Most of the stuff I did was all when I was drinking or was drunk. Things I couldn't think about doing sober.
Today I want to move forward and get passed these cravings I have and live a life with this wonderful guy in my life. As always ACTIONS speak louder then WORDS, but I know I can prove myself to be a better person and be there for him and myself. I didn't realize most of this until I started writing and started talking about it a little bit at a time. I just need to figure out what is in my head compared to my heart and so far my heart is winning to be near him. I haven't felt this for someone since my 'ex finance' and granite this feeling is amazing these fears corrupt me and I'm afraid to tell him how much I care.
I think I'm on the road to my own recovery.
Monday, April 25, 2011
FEAR IS ALWAYS HERE
Fear is a part of life. It is part of the range of feelings that humans experience on a daily basis. In our culture, fear has come to be experienced as negative. However, the truth is that fear is a perfectly normal feeling to experience and we would all feel a lot better if we simply allowed ourselves to feel it fully. If we do not we will have somatic symptoms of fear that are much more painful than simply allowing the feeling to be felt.
Source: Fear Poems - Poems about Fears http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/life/fear-poems.asp#ixzz1KboZQH2m
Family Friend Poems
Source: Fear Poems - Poems about Fears http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/life/fear-poems.asp#ixzz1KboZQH2m
Family Friend Poems
SAFER TO RUN
I'd have to admit I'm trying to figure out what to exactly write. My friend says it'll help me, but the last time I wrote it didn't turn out the way I wanted to. Instead I picked up a bottle and drank until I passed out. 
I've come to think in life that I'd rather suppress my fears, thoughts, concerns, and my emotions so that I'd be a stronger person. I'm now starting to realize how weak I am, how I give advice to everyone and they seem to take ahold of it because they believe in me.. All I see is it shouldn't have helped because half the time I don't even know what I'm talking about and to why when I think it's good advice I give them why I can't listen to my own advice?
I have a lost, confused soul and sometimes prefer to keep it that way, but it'll never get me anywhere if I keep up what I'm doing. I more or less like to run away from everything before I let it get to close so that I don't set myself up for failure. I'm so sick of letting people walk in and out of my life without a hello-goodbye. For me it has been that simple to be safer and run away from everything. I feel like I could just write a story about it but I think I would find a way not to write anymore than I'd have to. All that I can think of right now is running from the people that mean the most to me.
Including this guy I recently met and would like to see where things go but I'm starting to put my baracade back up to where I don't want to let him in or see what I have to offer. Maybe I'd just make him run from me. Maybe he won't like me for me. Maybe he doesn't want extra luggage. All sorts of thoughts that run through my head.
This past Sunday was not only his one year of sobriety which I'm so happy for and thankful that he is sober but it brought up some memories that also on the 24th a year ago would have been my wedding day and I failed to tell him about that because I don't feel like we're that close yet. but since then I've grown and this is one of the first times that these feelings I never want to let go because it's amazingly scary and feels so right. In the end everyone runs from me including past relationships and two dads at that. So my main point is for me its safer to run and hide.
I've come to think in life that I'd rather suppress my fears, thoughts, concerns, and my emotions so that I'd be a stronger person. I'm now starting to realize how weak I am, how I give advice to everyone and they seem to take ahold of it because they believe in me.. All I see is it shouldn't have helped because half the time I don't even know what I'm talking about and to why when I think it's good advice I give them why I can't listen to my own advice?
I have a lost, confused soul and sometimes prefer to keep it that way, but it'll never get me anywhere if I keep up what I'm doing. I more or less like to run away from everything before I let it get to close so that I don't set myself up for failure. I'm so sick of letting people walk in and out of my life without a hello-goodbye. For me it has been that simple to be safer and run away from everything. I feel like I could just write a story about it but I think I would find a way not to write anymore than I'd have to. All that I can think of right now is running from the people that mean the most to me.
Including this guy I recently met and would like to see where things go but I'm starting to put my baracade back up to where I don't want to let him in or see what I have to offer. Maybe I'd just make him run from me. Maybe he won't like me for me. Maybe he doesn't want extra luggage. All sorts of thoughts that run through my head.
This past Sunday was not only his one year of sobriety which I'm so happy for and thankful that he is sober but it brought up some memories that also on the 24th a year ago would have been my wedding day and I failed to tell him about that because I don't feel like we're that close yet. but since then I've grown and this is one of the first times that these feelings I never want to let go because it's amazingly scary and feels so right. In the end everyone runs from me including past relationships and two dads at that. So my main point is for me its safer to run and hide.
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