Sitting here thinking about a title for this new blog, I'm getting nowhere. I have a lot going on lately and it's just an empty mess of my rollercoastered life.
I was seeing this guy that I truly started falling for. Stayed at his house every night talked about every thing, I finally let someone into my life after my past and he understood me or seemed to at least pretend to understand me. At first when we met it was just sex I'd have to admit that but we talked a lot and I started getting those lustful feelings for him. He was amazing and made me smile like crazy the most amazing feeling in the world he gave me. I was even willing to give up drinking for him and did until he broke it off.
I remember one distinct morning I stayed at his house and it reminded me of my own "Notebook". I woke up to an empty bed but a text message that read "Good morning :) i hope you slept well! I didnt want to wake you cuz you were sleeping like a rock:)i went to the gym and to take jasper for a walk... there is coffee on for you. feel free to hang out or pursue your day off... i will text ya when i get outta the gym ;)" and so many of these amazing texts and just the most simple things can make someone so happy.He always told me how much he missed me, liked me, happy I was in his life, etc.. then one day he said he only cared about me when he wanted to get some. To have something so wonderful come crashing down because all he ever wanted to do was argue over stupid stuff but I was willing to deal with it because he made me happy!Although the last time I talked to him he honestly hurt me I will miss him and what we had.
I've also had other things like car problems money dropping like crazy into my car and it doesn't stop. Over $1000 so far put into it still have about another $1000 more or so.
Then my half brother I never met before found me on facebook and we started talking and my grandpa on that side of the family died so now I have to also find time off work this summer to go to Nevada to finally meet them all excluding my sperm donor. I at that point started looking for my other family on facebook through the guy that raised me. I found my cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. I emailed my cousin asking if she remembered me I got a response back saying she wanted nothing to do with me because her uncle didn't deserve what I had did to him.
I don't remember doing anything to him, but distinctivly remember get the piss kicked out of me growing up and I also remember the day I found out he wasn't my blood dad. But there is one day that I'll never forget, it was Fathers Day 6 years ago and it was his weekend to have us kids I believe I was either 14 yrs old at the time. I had called my step dad who is and was at the time married to my mom while I was at my "dads" house wishing him Happy Fathers Day, to me that is no big deal it's like wishing my grandpa a HFD! Well my "dad" got mad at me and he told me to get out and never come back. He never really wanted to see my brother and I ever since he had a girl friend anyway so we had lost him before hand. I had tried being in his life afterwards but he wouldn't let me or my brother and he was invited to all events up until our graduations and my adoption and had no response from him. He had shown in his actions he didn't care at all we didn't even get a phone call for congrats on getting a diploma!
Back to my drinking. Everyday wouldn't be an accomplishment without it. So I am going to tie up these loose ends because I seem to hurt everyone I have ever touched.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
A TRIP TO THE BEGINNING
Today I'm feeling pretty content with my emotional rollercoaster and decided I wanted to let the beginning out so it'll be a bit of a background of how it all started to build me up to where I am today. I think this should be good to look back at instead of a conjumbled mess in my head.
As I sit here drinking my cup of coffee and listening to some jazzy music, I think of how I became who I am today and then I remember the little things that made me smile. Although my mom told me I was born in Sioux Falls, my childhood remains in good ole' Iowa! A few different areas that my mind can remember like Ashton, IA. Ha I got to laugh! I was really young and yet a lot of people say you don't remember so far back in life but I like to think that isn't true because there are things that I remember without being told the story which I can only verify so much with my mom because she wasn't around so much. She was always working to put a roof over our heads and food on the table and Chris was my 'dad' at the time and he didn't care let alone he's no longer around.
I remember a few things though like when my older brother and I would go to the park there and in the middle of winter we'd be the idiots and stick our tongues to the pole on the play ground. It was like we took turns doing it even thought we both knew the result and that one of us would end up running home to get that cup of warm water. HA-HA!
How about that time I got chicken pox! The house that we lived in didn't have a bath tub, just a shower, so I remember my mom bathing me in the kitchen sink. Those are awful by the way! All itchy all the time! My mom would put that pink ointment all over me and I wasn't to fond of it all but it was good and eventually healed.
One winter in Ashton the power went out pretty much throughout the town. Remember this town isn't very big, just a quick guess it's maybe 1000 people if I'm a lucky guesser but most likely less. It got so cold this winter night that we had to go to a shelter. We had fish tanks at our house I remember saying that our fish will freeze. Turns out that they did. I believe this same night someone left a window open upstairs(why it was open I have no idea) but when we came home we had snow everywhere. Ha. Wasn't me :) The cold was ok to me because Chris at this point did take my brother and I ice fishing which was the only time I have went in my life time so far. I'd like to go again but just haven't. Although I'm now kind of a pansy when it comes to this cold weather!
Then comes Allendwarf, IA a small town about 5 miles from Sibley, IA. Allendwarf is appx 40 people if not a lot less by now! We lived there because Chris' dad or my 'grandpa Larry' lived across the road on a pig farm and believe he also owned the house we lived in. There comes a lot of memories with this house too! This is where I learned to ride a bike without training wheels. We lived on a curve on a gravel road if that explains how I learned not to fall! I was such a 'tomboy' and followed whatever my brother did probably what all younger siblings do. I even had my haircut exactly like his, an awesome bowl cut! HA!
I remember we had a lot of cats and I believe two dogs. I don't know exactly why I mentioned that but it seemed to fit with the memories popping up in my head. How about those slip 'n slides! Oh how I miss those! I don't get how people don't use those anymore! I got to say those were one of the most amazingly fun enjoyments of all time when I was a kid! Can't forget playing in the dirt! What is with parents these days that complain when their kids get all dirty because they're outside playing! When I see a kid all dirty all I got to say is 'Kodak moment' because they're having fun! Granite they should be cleaned up later so they look presentable but let them play!
I remember I made my mom mad one day because I decided I needed a haircut while she was gone. HA-HA! Don't leave the scissors out to were I can find them!This is also where my 'grandma Margaret' made me an awesome birthday cake! I wish I could have another one just like it! It was a barbie cake, with a ruffled dress made out of frosting and little edible beads, they were silver like bbs.
A TRIP TO THE BEGINNING TO BE CONTINUED.....
As I sit here drinking my cup of coffee and listening to some jazzy music, I think of how I became who I am today and then I remember the little things that made me smile. Although my mom told me I was born in Sioux Falls, my childhood remains in good ole' Iowa! A few different areas that my mind can remember like Ashton, IA. Ha I got to laugh! I was really young and yet a lot of people say you don't remember so far back in life but I like to think that isn't true because there are things that I remember without being told the story which I can only verify so much with my mom because she wasn't around so much. She was always working to put a roof over our heads and food on the table and Chris was my 'dad' at the time and he didn't care let alone he's no longer around.
I remember a few things though like when my older brother and I would go to the park there and in the middle of winter we'd be the idiots and stick our tongues to the pole on the play ground. It was like we took turns doing it even thought we both knew the result and that one of us would end up running home to get that cup of warm water. HA-HA!
How about that time I got chicken pox! The house that we lived in didn't have a bath tub, just a shower, so I remember my mom bathing me in the kitchen sink. Those are awful by the way! All itchy all the time! My mom would put that pink ointment all over me and I wasn't to fond of it all but it was good and eventually healed.
One winter in Ashton the power went out pretty much throughout the town. Remember this town isn't very big, just a quick guess it's maybe 1000 people if I'm a lucky guesser but most likely less. It got so cold this winter night that we had to go to a shelter. We had fish tanks at our house I remember saying that our fish will freeze. Turns out that they did. I believe this same night someone left a window open upstairs(why it was open I have no idea) but when we came home we had snow everywhere. Ha. Wasn't me :) The cold was ok to me because Chris at this point did take my brother and I ice fishing which was the only time I have went in my life time so far. I'd like to go again but just haven't. Although I'm now kind of a pansy when it comes to this cold weather!
Then comes Allendwarf, IA a small town about 5 miles from Sibley, IA. Allendwarf is appx 40 people if not a lot less by now! We lived there because Chris' dad or my 'grandpa Larry' lived across the road on a pig farm and believe he also owned the house we lived in. There comes a lot of memories with this house too! This is where I learned to ride a bike without training wheels. We lived on a curve on a gravel road if that explains how I learned not to fall! I was such a 'tomboy' and followed whatever my brother did probably what all younger siblings do. I even had my haircut exactly like his, an awesome bowl cut! HA!
I remember we had a lot of cats and I believe two dogs. I don't know exactly why I mentioned that but it seemed to fit with the memories popping up in my head. How about those slip 'n slides! Oh how I miss those! I don't get how people don't use those anymore! I got to say those were one of the most amazingly fun enjoyments of all time when I was a kid! Can't forget playing in the dirt! What is with parents these days that complain when their kids get all dirty because they're outside playing! When I see a kid all dirty all I got to say is 'Kodak moment' because they're having fun! Granite they should be cleaned up later so they look presentable but let them play!
I remember I made my mom mad one day because I decided I needed a haircut while she was gone. HA-HA! Don't leave the scissors out to were I can find them!This is also where my 'grandma Margaret' made me an awesome birthday cake! I wish I could have another one just like it! It was a barbie cake, with a ruffled dress made out of frosting and little edible beads, they were silver like bbs.
A TRIP TO THE BEGINNING TO BE CONTINUED.....
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