BLAME IT ON THE ALCOHOL

I was day dreaming the other day about how happy I could be if I took a chance even to just fall again back to square one. To think about it kind of scared me because I've always wanted to be happy but feels like I can't I hold too much on my shoulders to look passed it and move forward. I'm actually afraid that if I do this and allow everything to process and fall with the love of him and let alcohol go and get hurt once more that I'll be unsaveable and no one will be able to reach me at the point I'll turn myself into.

I was having a deep convo the other night with my guy and it seemed like everything I did wrong or where I found things was in alcohol. Sleeping around and not really remembering much of anything. Getting up and taking a shot of tequila for breakfast and to go to school get out and go home and start drinking again until I passed out. I started thinking about how I got myself to that point and I realized yes it was my decision yes I let things get to me when I shouldn't have let it get that far. Yet drinking was my getaway and would love to go back to it and started to but I know I can't drink during the day anymore my job is too precious to me and can't ruin that (for now is what my thought process is).

Last summer I sobered up and occupied my time with 80 hour a week work weeks and lots of exercise then the sip of alcohol has me tied around its little finger of where I think 'It's ok its just a casual drink' when it really isn't because I can't just have a drink which is the hardest part when I drink I want more and more and more until I pass out then it goes in this cycle where I need it to the point I crave it like I crave my cigarettes and yet no one sees this. They see a young girl who enjoys to party, but if I had it my way I'd actually have my fridge stocked with alcohol, lock myself in my room and just drink and listen to music.

It irritated me when I went through this before about a year ago that everyone was buying me alcohol and partying with me and had the guts to go to my parents and tell them I had a problem, but yet no one came to me about anything and kept drinking along with me. I confronted a few people and they denied it. I fell into a deep trap of what I got myself into and shouldn't have and I let myself so I'm no longer trapped in this world I created of my own.

I do blame the alcohol for my past actions. Most of the stuff I did was all when I was drinking or was drunk. Things I couldn't think about doing sober.
Today I want to move forward and get passed these cravings I have and live a life with this wonderful guy in my life. As always ACTIONS speak louder then WORDS, but I know I can prove myself to be a better person and be there for him and myself. I didn't realize most of this until I started writing and started talking about it a little bit at a time. I just need to figure out what is in my head compared to my heart and so far my heart is winning to be near him. I haven't felt this for someone since my 'ex finance' and granite this feeling is amazing these fears corrupt me and I'm afraid to tell him how much I care.

I think I'm on the road to my own recovery.