SAFER TO RUN

I'd have to admit I'm trying to figure out what to exactly write. My friend says it'll help me, but the last time I wrote it didn't turn out the way I wanted to. Instead I picked up a bottle and drank until I passed out.

I've come to think in life that I'd rather suppress my fears, thoughts, concerns, and my emotions so that I'd be a stronger person. I'm now starting to realize how weak I am, how I give advice to everyone and they seem to take ahold of it because they believe in me.. All I see is it shouldn't have helped because half the time I don't even know what I'm talking about and to why when I think it's good advice I give them why I can't listen to my own advice?
I have a lost, confused soul and sometimes prefer to keep it that way, but it'll never get me anywhere if I keep up what I'm doing. I more or less like to run away from everything before I let it get to close so that I don't set myself up for failure. I'm so sick of letting people walk in and out of my life without a hello-goodbye. For me it has been that simple to be safer and run away from everything. I feel like I could just write a story about it but I think I would find a way not to write anymore than I'd have to. All that I can think of right now is running from the people that mean the most to me.
Including this guy I recently met and would like to see where things go but I'm starting to put my baracade back up to where I don't want to let him in or see what I have to offer. Maybe I'd just make him run from me. Maybe he won't like me for me. Maybe he doesn't want extra luggage. All sorts of thoughts that run through my head.

This past Sunday was not only his one year of sobriety which I'm so happy for and thankful that he is sober but it brought up some memories that also on the 24th a year ago would have been my wedding day and I failed to tell him about that because I don't feel like we're that close yet. but since then I've grown and this is one of the first times that these feelings I never want to let go because it's amazingly scary and feels so right. In the end everyone runs from me including past relationships and two dads at that. So my main point is for me its safer to run and hide.