Sitting here thinking about a title for this new blog, I'm getting nowhere. I have a lot going on lately and it's just an empty mess of my rollercoastered life.
I was seeing this guy that I truly started falling for. Stayed at his house every night talked about every thing, I finally let someone into my life after my past and he understood me or seemed to at least pretend to understand me. At first when we met it was just sex I'd have to admit that but we talked a lot and I started getting those lustful feelings for him. He was amazing and made me smile like crazy the most amazing feeling in the world he gave me. I was even willing to give up drinking for him and did until he broke it off.
I remember one distinct morning I stayed at his house and it reminded me of my own "Notebook". I woke up to an empty bed but a text message that read "Good morning :) i hope you slept well! I didnt want to wake you cuz you were sleeping like a rock:)i went to the gym and to take jasper for a walk... there is coffee on for you. feel free to hang out or pursue your day off... i will text ya when i get outta the gym ;)" and so many of these amazing texts and just the most simple things can make someone so happy.He always told me how much he missed me, liked me, happy I was in his life, etc.. then one day he said he only cared about me when he wanted to get some. To have something so wonderful come crashing down because all he ever wanted to do was argue over stupid stuff but I was willing to deal with it because he made me happy!Although the last time I talked to him he honestly hurt me I will miss him and what we had.
I've also had other things like car problems money dropping like crazy into my car and it doesn't stop. Over $1000 so far put into it still have about another $1000 more or so.
Then my half brother I never met before found me on facebook and we started talking and my grandpa on that side of the family died so now I have to also find time off work this summer to go to Nevada to finally meet them all excluding my sperm donor. I at that point started looking for my other family on facebook through the guy that raised me. I found my cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. I emailed my cousin asking if she remembered me I got a response back saying she wanted nothing to do with me because her uncle didn't deserve what I had did to him.
I don't remember doing anything to him, but distinctivly remember get the piss kicked out of me growing up and I also remember the day I found out he wasn't my blood dad. But there is one day that I'll never forget, it was Fathers Day 6 years ago and it was his weekend to have us kids I believe I was either 14 yrs old at the time. I had called my step dad who is and was at the time married to my mom while I was at my "dads" house wishing him Happy Fathers Day, to me that is no big deal it's like wishing my grandpa a HFD! Well my "dad" got mad at me and he told me to get out and never come back. He never really wanted to see my brother and I ever since he had a girl friend anyway so we had lost him before hand. I had tried being in his life afterwards but he wouldn't let me or my brother and he was invited to all events up until our graduations and my adoption and had no response from him. He had shown in his actions he didn't care at all we didn't even get a phone call for congrats on getting a diploma!
Back to my drinking. Everyday wouldn't be an accomplishment without it. So I am going to tie up these loose ends because I seem to hurt everyone I have ever touched.
For some reason, I knew you would end up writing a blog eventually. I was told and I have tried to take what I learned that writing helps no matter how a person is feeling. I can't imgaine how you are feeling right now. You are such a strong and amazing person Bre even though right now you probably dont feel that way. God puts people through rough, shitty times because he knows we are strong enough to overcome what he throws at us. It might not seem like anything will ever get better, but you have told me for months straight that things always find a way of working themselves out. Time is everything and I'll be here to listen...to give advice when necessary...for a shoulder to cry on...to vent to...to just be there during the good and bad times. Life gets worse before it ever gets better. YOu have helped me through a lot and been there for me through tons. It is my turn to be there for you even though you think you can get through this all alone. Even when you feel alone you never are alone. I love you buddy stay strong...keep writing
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